Message for my “Christian Friends”... I forgive you.

Gentle Rebuke for my “Christian-friends”. I forgive you. 

WARNING: VULNERABLE ALERT ALSO LONG POST

This is a loving rebuke for those who may need it. I’m praying it’s received in the spirit it is given. 

Recently (over a year ago) I was angry with God. And as a result, I did not want to walk in obedience to His will. 

This time of my life was very brief, but the pain was so deep and my actions so significant... it caused a lot of brokenness in many areas of my life. 

I KNOW I am absolutely 100% responsible for my own actions and behavior and would never try and make someone else feel responsible or take blame. I get that. 

Having said that though, I’d like to share about some experiences I had. 

Several times I tried to reach out & confide in friends and people I thought would be “safe” to be transparent with, people who may have been able to help me; to find clarity, find conviction and find my way back to Jesus. I was looking for a word that would bring about healing and repentance. 

But, time & time again I was met with, anger, rejection, judgment, condemnation, silent treatment, I was called names, I was cursed, and most painfully, I was betrayed when those I confided in gossiped about me out of pseudo “concern” and shared my story with others and many times INACCURATELY!! Which caused more hurt to the ears that listened. Very few offered to pray with me or any hope at all. 

All this led to more broken relationships and even more distance between me and the church and Jesus. Every one of these friends/people are “Christians”. Who I thought I could trust. 

Now again, I’m not saying my actions were justified in ANY way. I have confessed and sought forgiveness and have repented and been made new. 

Yet, when I confronted a couple folks about my experience I was told “well if you didn’t want anyone to find out, or people to react that way, you should have never said anything or you should never have made those mistakes in the first place. You knew the truth and you chose to walk away, their response is just a consequence of your own choices.” 

My friends hear my heart in this, that attitude is SO wrong on so many levels. The Bible is very clear that it is His *Kindness* that leads people to repentance!! And it is the Holy Spirits job to convict. 

What was the POINT of Jesus being crucified if not for GRACE & Mercy and Forgiveness!! And How can someone suggest I keep my sin hidden?? 

There are still some people who have not forgiven me. And others who still don’t trust me. (That I understand and do accept as a consequence of my choices) 

...but to be outright-condemned, cursed at, rejected and gossiped about- is JUST as sinful as anything I had done!! 

No WONDER so many people don’t like Christianity!!! So many of us give it a bad name. 

———————————————————-

When I NEEDED CHRISTS LOVE THE MOST... I was abandoned. 

Physically, Emotionally and Spiritually. *That broke me more, than what led me to rebellion in the first place.*

Honestly I have no idea if any of the folks responsible will ever read this or if some of them are even on Social Media but ... maybe my story will help someone else. 

LISTEN PLEASE: 

If a brother or sister in Jesus, is falling... don’t cut the rope!!! Reach out and help them up!! 

*Don’t turn your back. 

*Don’t take up others’ offenses, 

*Don’t play Holy Spirit!

*Don’t Just “call-out” their sin & offer no hope. 

Love them through it. Speak truth in love! Stop, **find out what is causing the gap in their relationship with Jesus and offer them HOPE!** Remind them of Gods character, that He loves them no matter what, that there is forgiveness and redemption!! And that they are worthy of both. 

I needlessly spent a lot longer time away from church (and repentance) because all I felt was more pain and anger and betrayal & rejection. 

**My Christian friends added salt to a wound and confusion to my pain**

I had never felt SO LOW!!! 

And THAT is not JESUS!!! He didn’t come to condemn or to make people feel badly about themselves...if that’s what you’re doing, then YOU ARE NOT REPRESENTING CHRIST. 

Again I hope this is received well and *not* doing exactly what I’m rebuking, by making people feel condemned, judged etc. that’s not my heart or intent. 

Truly, I think it’s important for all of us to be mindful of what we say to those who are hurting and in sin. Wether they are non-believers, baby-believers, or folks who have walked with the Lord for years. 

If any of you who reacted this way to me do read this. I forgive you. I love you. I bless you! 

AS FOR ME: Where am I now? 

God WAS able to redeem all of this. During this dark time of my life, as always, God was faithful. He did show up, over & over and wooed me back to Himself. 

I was able to learn even more about His character and understand on an even deeper and more meaningful level forgiveness & grace and what it means to come out of the mire and have that “conversion” moment. 

I became even more humbled and more in love with Jesus than ever! My Rock and My Salvation. Things we go through- even as a result of our own sinful choices- are not purposeless. He can use them and turn them into Gold. 

Thank you for reading. 

#TrialsTurnToGold 

#TestToTestimony 

CONFESSION

CONFESSION: 

I went through a season last year (albeit brief-relatively speaking) of rebellion.  I hurt my family and some close friends with my actions; but most importantly I hurt Jesus and my relationship with Him. 

The last 6 months have been so healing for me and my family & My relationship with Jesus is totally restored too! God is so good, and I am highly favored, with His Grace and Mercy. 

But lately the enemy reminds me of my wrongs. he makes me think I’m not worthy of forgiveness or to be used by God. he makes me start to doubt my assurances and feel overwhelming guilt and shame. he tries to instill anxiety and isolation. 

I am publicly asking for forgiveness from those who were affected by my choices but most importantly I am CLAIMING my position with Jesus. 

The following verse and song are what I have been ruminating on all day!! I hope you look up the actual verse and listen carefully to the song... & let Gods word be transformative. I know it has transformed me. 

Powell Paraphrase #10 

For I am certain, that nothing I have done, nor anything I will do, not a word I have spoken, a wound I have caused, a stupid choice I have made, nor rebellious action, nor mistake or error I have committed, could ever take away the Love that Jesus has for me, or the purpose He had when He died for my sins, His love for me is immeasurable. 

#GodsWordFTW 

#StrongLove 

#Jesus 

https://youtu.be/BzLusjo7-00

Romans 8:38-39

The lies we believe and the Truth to set us free.

I used to live this way: 

I had low self-worth/loathing, I came from a Trauma background & didn’t think much of myself, felt I was worthless, stupid, you name it. I hated my life and believed nothing could change. I used to put myself down a lot! I lived with depression & anxiety and anger. 

Until I accepted the truth about how Jesus sees me!! 

Zephaniah 3:17 became my life verse!! 

Jesus is my # 1 fan. 

I meditated on: 

Psalms- That I’m fearfully and wonderfully made. That everything God makes is GOOD. 

Jeremiah: That God has a plan and a purpose for me! 

Zephaniah: That He rejoices over me, and takes DELIGHT in me! 

Romans: Nothing could ever take away Christs love 

I began to believe that No matter what I do, or how I fail him, His view of me doesn’t change.

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I also had someone speak into my life and remind me; that if the God of the universe thought I was worthy enough to die for, how *dare* I place myself ABOVE God and declare myself something that He doesn’t. 

For me to claim an identity that Jesus did not give me, is akin to idolatry & sinful pride, for that reason alone, I forced myself to learn my *true* identity. 

I am loved. 

I am beautiful. 

I have a purpose. 

I have a future. 

I am strong. 

I am worthy. 

I am Highly Favored 

I am forgiven 

#GodsWordFTW #Jesus #Truth #HighlyFavored

Why I gave up Lent... for Lent.

Why I gave up Lent for Lent. 

Okay I didn’t really give it up *for* Lent. 

The thing is: 

I was raised in an evangelical Christian home, that did not practice “Lent”. Although I had family members that certainly did, and so I was aware of it, and that they gave up specific things... but was never totally certain why. 

As a young adult, I went to a church that did practice Lent and the reasons they gave seemed, good, valid and poignant. I wanted to participate!! 

I wanted to:

 A. Show my Lord just how committed I am to Him. 

B. Understand on a a small scale what it means to “sacrifice”. If Jesus could give up all food & water for 40 days surely I could give up _________. (I usually picked something unhealthy for me, so that I could doubly justify its purpose.) I wanted to identify and deepen my connection to Him. 

C. I wanted to devote myself to prayer and scripture. And this was a tangible reminder ... Whenever I would have previously spent time thinking about or actually doing said *now forsaken* item, I would now spend that time in prayer and Bible reading. 

Man, How Holy was I gonna be? 

God would surely give me a gold star, and I would certainly be an esteemed martyr when people realized I had successfully given up: Social Media, Carbohydrates, Secular Music/magazines, television or whatever I felt led to. 

My understanding of this whole tradition and practice was that it was to have thoughtful and deliberate recognition of the time period where Jesus was being targeted and all that he endured leading up to the Cross. **To identify with Christ** and to be solemn and reverent in the face of His ultimate sacrifice on the cross. 

I did this for a few of years and each time, I tried and then subsequently failed. Time & time again. I would *slip* and have that carb, or watch that show... or login “just for a second”.  

I will say that more often than not I managed to remain true to my fasting and even managed to increase my Bible and Prayer time. 

But... every time I did slip, I was consumed with guilt. I believed I was letting God down. I wasn’t being a good enough “Christian”. Even when I managed to pick myself up and start again immediately, or the next day, for a brief moment I had shame and guilt. Additionally, during those tough *tempting* moments, if I had a win, and managed to successfully avert the temptation, I would feel a sting of resentment that I couldn’t have what I wanted. Which led to the cycle of guilt again. 

Therefore for *me*, My Lent time, ended up being riddled with Shame, Guilt, resentment and eventually in some cases, with me quitting all together and giving up! And then living with self condemnation and sadness. I felt pathetic, disappointed. Ashamed that I had let Jesus down. That I could not truly identify with Him. 

That’s when the Lord spoke to me. 

I realized... I didn’t get it at all! 

Jesus died precisely so we would NOT have to fast and sacrifice and give up anything to be closer to God. He died specifically so I could live in freedom *from* Guilt, Shame, resentment etc. 

The Lord was telling me to give up on Lent! 

He wanted me to know HIS Sacrifice was-and still is-ENOUGH. He gave up everything so we could live abundantly, blessed and enriching lives! 

We don’t have to be circumcised, we can eat the pork and we can dine with sinners. (Because hey, wherever you go... there you are, anyway!) 

I didn’t need a tradition to prompt me or motivate me to read my Bible and spend more time in prayer. And I didn’t need to have one more “works” for the enemy to distort and then use against me. 

For me, when I made this realization, a huge weight was lifted from me and I felt such release, such freedom!! 

I now spend most all my days (not just 40)  -not “giving up” anything but adding to my life, reaching out to strangers & those less fortunate. Reading my bible daily, listening  to worship music, praying and praising Jesus for HIS Sacrifice!! But it is all by CHOICE, without any hint of obligation or duty or pressure. 

Now LISTEN: I am not suggesting there is anything bad or wrong with Lent. I know many folks that continue to practice Lent. All, lovely, Godly, kind people, and it has been a helpful tool to grow their intimacy with Jesus. To identify with Him. They look forward to the sacrifice every year and hold it in high esteem, (I also hold them in high regard). And that is their choice. 

I’m just glad that we belong to a faith where it’s not “necessary” or “required”  for my salvation. And that we can reach out, deepen our relationship with Christ & identify with Him anytime of year. I know now,  Jesus is okay if I don’t practice Lent.