This post came out of a need, for so many individuals I have spoken with, who have many of the same questions, concerns and experiences. They meet and begin to date someone who is "amazing on paper" or who "ticks all the boxes" for a short time, and then WHAM they either, at the very least find they're totally incompatible, and they have wasted time, or they find that worst case, the person they have grown to care for, is a complete ass, and is actually controlling, manipulative, or deceptive etc.
I have had the privilege of supporting many folks, finding their forever person, by guiding them through a completely UNscientific and UNproven, process that I developed for myself. 10 Keys to finding your forever person.
Note: While a lot of this advice can be used for any gender/relationship. I am going to be writing it in terms of a straight cis f, dating a straight cis m.
Okay, context:
Let me preface this, by saying as a counselor who has worked for a number of years in community mental health (as well as in private sectors) generally, I try my hardest not to judge or evaluate things as "right" or "wrong" or "good" or "bad". Every single person is different and every person has to decide for themselves, what works, what is healthiest and what is a choice that will put them on the trajectory they believe is good for their own lives.
Having said that however, I listened and learned a lot from my experience as a counselor, working with families, and couples, as well as having 2 older protective brothers who are both cops, who had seen the dark side of the online dating world and took their advice as well.
In doing all these things, I was able to find my person. When it worked for me, I was able to share what I learned and advise some friends, and those who listened, (and blew up my phone constantly with more questions and screen shots of messages from guys, for me to help decipher) found their partners too.
Bear with me if you will, for a moment while I give you some additional context. I was with my "wasband" (as in, he was my husband) for 22 years, met him when I was just 18 and graduated H.S. I didn't date much in H.S. so I had never "dated" before, when I became single again. I literally had no clue as to what to expect, what standard to set, how to meet people, how to "know" if they're safe. I had to take the years I had helping others, and every communication skill I had learned and taught, and the advice of my police officer brothers and come up with something that to be honest, I had no idea, would work. I was winging it. Thankfully it paid off. And in hindsight, I was able to tweak it some more when advising my friends.
It also didn't help that my 22 year marriage was a nightmare from hell. My wasband was abusive (physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, verbally etc) and very very controlling. Much of this I was aware of in my marriage, but I was blinded by love and never felt "victimized" I was always able to rationalize his behavior and excuse it. I did not believe in divorce and beside I had been with him since I was 18 and didn't know anything different. His behavior was "familiar" and "normal" to me. He eventually left me for someone HE met online, and I know that if he had not left, I would still be with him and miserable. Thank GOD he left.
After that, (and a whirlwind summer of absolutely spiraling, casual dating and getting my heartbroken) I spent 3 years in counseling, and NOT dating at all, unraveling the tangled mess he had left in me, and learning to love myself.
Realizing that I was more than happy being alone, I created a life for myself, that I did not need to give up for anyone. In fact, I didn't even want to.
Even when I was ready to date and decided I wanted to share my fabulous life with someone, they had to be pretty damn amazing and tick all the boxes correctly, for me to willing to "allow" them into my world and turn it upside down to date them, let alone consider a future with them. It was a privilege to date me.
🔑 That's key #1. Make sure you're ready.
This won't work, if you're not "truly" ready to pursue a meaningful, respectful and committed relationship. A lot of women are "givers" and have a hard time receiving love. You have to be able to be mature enough emotionally, (Emotional intelligence and self-awareness are critical) to know you DO deserve to be treated with respect and kindness and be pampered. And, you have to be strong enough in yourself to able to say "Thank you next" without flinching, to anyone who does not meet the standard.
So make sure you have done the work on yourself, healed old demons, put to rest past wounds etc. and be a "stable" woman, who a real and "stable" man is looking for. You're not looking for someone to "fill a void" or to "make you happy" or somehow, heal some broken part of you. That's not going to work. Your soulmate is your equal partner, moving in the same direction as you, and just as healthy and stable (in every way, healthy- mentally, emotionally, financially, socially, physically) as you are. Also, that you, yourself are past trauma responses, and old toxic traits and behaviors.
Note: Obviously nobody is perfect and we work our whole lives to achieve a really good level of health. But you can tell if someone, including yourself, is in a healthy stable place.
🔑 Key # 2. Character over Chemistry.
Assuming you are ready and I can already hear many of you "I am so ready, I've been ready!" Then I'm going to say something that feels counter-intuitive. But nevertheless is true. Character is greater than Chemistry. You have heard the old saying, "nice guys finish last". In some ways it's true, especially on dating apps. If you are truly looking for someone to match your energy, match your goals, and fit into your world, you have to expand the pool. Cast a wide net. Swipe right on guys you would normally gloss over. Even ones you don't find super physically attractive. (Obviously there has to be some attraction, but hear me out). Pay close attention to their profiles. Not just their hobbies, and cute photos. One thing I have learned about men, is that they tell you who they are, if you know how to listen. Don't want a man who is shallow, materialistic, controlling or domineering? Swipe left on men, who only post picture of themselves with alcohol in their hands and their bio talks only of the things they enjoy. Swipe right more, on men who list their goals, especially if their long term goal is a LTR. Focus on finding a man with the Character standards you want from a lifelong partner and not just the crazy chemistry you have. (Listen to Mama Mia: CHARACTER OVER CHEMISTRY)
🔑 Key #3 What is this “standards” ?
…I speak of & not settling for less than? Great question. BEFORE you start dating with intention, I am asking you to write down, someplace you can keep and review as necessary… all of the character qualities, behaviors and personal history that you think will meet your need and desire for a strong and healthy relationship.
Write down things like; Driven, Motivated, or Calm and Kind… things like, opens doors for me, or kisses my hand, pays the check, is financially stable, has a good credit score, or has been with the same employer more than 3 years, or has a strong healthy relationship with his parents and siblings, has a lot of friends and friend-groups, or likes to stay home and watch netflix or play video games, or doesn't play video games, plays sports, or doesn't play sports, these lists are completely unique to YOU.
And yes, it may feel juvenile (Mama Mia I haven't written a list like this since I was 13!) but I am telling you, you will NEED this list later on. Because, if you have done the work on being the healthiest version of yourself… you will find that there are higher, better, and more expanded list of qualities you want, than you ever had before. This is important!
This list will become a lifeline… a measurable tool - so when you get swept up in someones charms, humor, good looks and feeling all the butterflies… and want to (and you will want to) rationalize yellow flag behavior… you can look back at your list and see if he actually measures up.
🔑 Key #4 If he doesn’t. End it.
Immediately and without hesitation or remorse. The “Healthy” you will be able to do this. You don’t “owe” him anything. If he doesn’t meet your standards, no matter how great he is, or appears to be, move on.
Remember; the healthy you already loves the life you have and don’t “need” anyone to fill anything. So not settling should be easy.
If it’s too difficult to let go of someone who clearly does not measure up to your list then perhaps you need to take a step back anyway and do a little more work on you. Go back to Key#1 But, do not-under any circumstances change the list to fit the guy.
Ask yourself what need is this guy filling that I’m willing to settle and lower my standards, what do I need to fix first? Regroup & start over.
I went on about 100+ “first” and “only” dates. Because I would not settle. I knew what I was worth and what my life without this person was, and I absolutely was not willing to sacrifice a single thing for the “wrong” person. Even guys who seemed really nice & great...but not for me, for someone else.
🔑 Key #5 3rd Date Rule:
And no, it's not what you think. It's about safety & security… in part because my standards were so high and I had a suspicion that I would be going on a lot of first dates, I NEVER gave out my personal cell phone # until AFTER a 3rd date!
We used whatever “app” we met on to communicate or WhatsApp. This was one of the pro-tips from my cop brothers by the way. Savvy tech people can find out a lot of information about you just from a phone number- even if it’s a mobile device. I was always honest with guys, about this "You can't have my # until after the 3rd date."
If they had a problem with this, RED Flag 🚩.
A total stranger who is respectful and genuine, will have ZERO problems with your boundaries especially when it comes to safety. Not only did having this boundary help me to weed out all the potential creeps, but it adds a small level of security.
When I would, after a date where I knew the guy wasn’t a match- inevitably, say: I really enjoyed meeting you, thank you for (dinner, drinks, coffee whatever) unfortunately I just don’t believe we are a match. Or, unfortunately we didn’t match as well as I had hoped. Wish you nothing but (luck or the best or whatever) on your journey.” I would DELETE their profile…
I didn’t have to worry about contacting them or hearing from them again. I did this immediately-when I was sure-not only to protect me from potential emotional abuse or stalking or whatever but so I wouldn’t be tempted to “give them a second chance” or let them talk me out of it.
If they’re not right for you, accept it and move on. And not giving out your phone # is the safest and most secure way to do that.
The reason we wait until after a successful date 3 is because it can take that long to vet someone, using the all the tools, including the tool below.
Also, for myself, 1st dates were usually coffee or a drink, something quick and short. 2nd date was often dinner and longer conversation 3rd date was a fun activity (a Party, a movie, a play, an amusement park whatever "fun" thing is to y'all) all these things that really are part of the vetting process.
To be honest, there were only 4 men that I dated that ever made it past the 3rd date. 3 of them that I dated for 2-3 months before committing to be exclusive to my now husband. Out of over a hundred.
🔑 Key#6 Have lots of questions ready.
A lot of people, think you shouldn't ask certain questions on a first date, but I disagree. Weed out, filter, and glean any and all potential red flags, and/or incompatibility right away. Obscure questions. Try and remember it’s not an interview and it’s not an interrogation.
However, have a list of important questions memorized and ready to go, as part of any fluid conversation, so you get the answers you need and the clarity before you invest a ton of time. Just like the list of character qualities this list will be unique to you.
For ME it was very important to ask: How close are you to your siblings, and parents? How many friends do you have and how often do you speak to them and see them? What happened with your ex-gf/wife, why do you think it didn’t work out? (Ooooo this was always a good one. Someone who could speak respectfully about their ex and take responsibility for any mistakes THEY may have made! Good 👍🏽- likewise, if they start bashing their ex and blaming them for everything… 🚩… RUN) How do you get along with your kids? Hearing how they speak about all the people in their life, the tone they use, the anecdotes, the expressions etc… tells you a LOT about their character. I would often squeeze in, “What would your ex, say are your best and worst qualities?” other Q's I had, "How do you handle stress or anger?" "What kinds of things make you angry?" "How many kids do you want?" "What kind of debt do you have?"
Again, can’t stress this enough… a HEALTHY individual, will welcome any and all intrusive questions. Someone who is also looking for something serious, will appreciate your thoughtfulness and thoroughness. Someone who is healthy, will never be insecure, or avoid, or appear offended or have anything to hide.
Even an innocuous comment as small as “Well I hope I measure up, this is a lot of questions!” Can be a red flag, of insecurity or deception. So how they answer the questions is as important as the answer itself. No question is inappropriate or off-limits.
BUT-be prepared to ANSWER the same questions if asked. If you can't "in kind" give the healthy versions of the answers you seek. Go back to Key # 1.
Bonus: Another unconventional thing to ask for and pay attention to, that I learned early on, to not waste my time and vet guys right away, was to NOT text incessantly back/forth for a week (or weeks) before meeting up. If I “matched” with someone and their profile seemed interesting enough to pursue. I insisted on meeting for coffee or a drink right away. “Are you free tonight?” “What’s your schedule like this week?” Any of the guys who would put you off, with excuses more than once, aren’t serious or they’re married/in a relationship. Anyone who says YES and is excited to meet you and makes the plans, they’re on the right track of having their *ish together. Also, in person is the fastest way to truly “vet” someone. Character AND Chemistry. Anyone can be anything when texting. Don’t waste the time.
🔑 Key#7 Travel Together.
If you have made it past the 3rd date, and so far he is meeting all your standards, and you’re not noticing any more red flags. Plan a getaway. A trip that requires airline travel, hotel accommodations etc. my godfather is the one who told me a long time ago, you can tell A LOT about a person, based on how they handle traveling and Holidays with their family! If you’re fortunate to travel to meet his family for the holidays even better! 2 birds. 1 stone. I digress, TRAVEL out of state with someone- you will see their “true” colors, watch and observe:
* how do they handle the stress? (Airports, time constraints, are they prepared, impatient? Whiny?)
* the organization & planning of it (do they wait until the last minute, do they do research on where you’re going or seem knowledgeable or do they wing it?)
*the finances? (Are they paying? Can they afford it? How do they communicate with you about the financing. Etc. A financially stable and otherwise healthy individual isn’t afraid to discuss any of this. And won’t hide anything and won’t be traveling beyond their means.)
*the family, events, excursions you’re visiting or planning etc... how do they speak about it. Tone, inflection, are they going begrudgingly? Are they patient? Or eager?
* Likewise, how do they talk about and treat the people around them, passengers, and any of the service workers, flight attendants, TSA, Uber Drivers, etc…
I went with my now husband to Milwaukee (From Seattle) for Thanksgiving (2 months after our first date) and watched carefully along the way, all of the things I mentioned. He handled every detail, paid for everything, was calm and chill, not an ounce of stress- only excitement. And then I saw how he was with his whole family... and THATS when I knew. He was a keeper.
We ended up traveling a lot together those first few months & I FIRMLY believe (per my godfather who is amazing and gave me this advice) that when you travel with someone, it's a truncated version of "real life" with them. I mean so many relationships fail AFTER the honeymoon phase, and you move in together and realize, there are habits and lifestyles and lids on toothpaste and toilet paper rolls going the wrong way, and housekeeping skills etc. that you don't or can't see as well in the courting phase when you're all "twitterpated". But traveling, especially locally and/or to see family is a great way to "live" but not "live" with someone and work out if you are genuinely compatible and if you can actually stand to be around them 24/7. There’s a lot to be seen when this happens.
🔑 Key #8 4th date rule.
Physical touch/sex etc. If you have done all the previous things, and vetted him very well, (Bonus points if he introduces you to friends or family by this time also, or at least invites you to) then you are likely feeling safe and confident with him. Maybe you've had your first kiss maybe you haven't. I was a no kissing on the first-date kind of gal. (Some exceptions were made) but generally speaking, wait until they are fully "vetted" (after 3 dates, using all the keys & tools) and the reason is 2 fold and has more to do with you, than him or any potential relationship or morality.
It has to do with you, being true to your commitment to yourself. Even if you are a sex-positive feminist who believes women can have casual sex, if you are looking for a soul-mate, you are not looking for casual sex or a hook-up. You want the same standard from whoever you're dating. If the guy you are dating is also willing to wait until date 4 (or longer) that is one more way to vet his intentions. We know from history, (don't try and deceive yourself here girls) that a lot of guys can "fake" being "good" for awhile in the beginning and will lead you on, as long as they are getting laid. You want someone who is more interested in long-term emotional, mental, spiritual, philosophical compatibility also. Someone who has a problem "waiting" aint the one Hon. Move on.
Also, waiting means, that you aren't emotionally and physically connecting yourself to someone who may not be right for you. Until you have fully vetted them, you run the "risk" of creating a "bond" that can actually cloud your vision and your judgement. (Although this is where your physical list you made comes in and can help to un-cloud it)
This is basic chemistry. Oxytocin, Dopamine, Endorphins etc. all things that flush through your system and your frontal cortex (the impulse and behavioral part) of your brain when you have significant physical contact. It becomes a lot easier to "walk away" the longer you keep from physically bonding with them.
🔑 Key #9 Withholds/Communication
As you begin to trust this person, maybe you're well past physical intimacy and 3rd date vetting, and he's answered all the questions and meets all the things on your list, it's time to establish rules for communication. Something I have found works well (again, for healthy people in healthy relationships) is having absolutely zero withholds. Which means, good, bad, ugly, painful, guilt-ridden whatever thought or deed or whatever you have had, you share with each other.
ESPECIALLY the good ones, build each other up, be a fan and encourage each other often!
But it's harder to talk about mistakes, errors, needs, boundaries etc. However, this needs to be established as soon as possible. Don't keep any secrets, and confront things as they happen. Is he annoying you? sit down and talk about it, before it festers. Don't think that "well it's not that big of a deal, I'm going to let it go." and then have it compound to the point where when you finally do bring it up, you're resentful and disconnected.
It's not fair to hold someone accountable and have expectations on them, that they aren't even aware of. So have the conversations early & often.
Have a lot of conversations in the beginning it will save a lot of heart-ache later. Sharing the frustrations, annoyances, boundaries and preferences, when they first come up, also means you're more likely to address them with a kind and patient tone, and have some solutions available also.
Waiting until the heat of the moment, not only hurts your partner, but means that solutions will not necessarily be accepted or received well.
Note: If you are the kind of person who is passive aggressive and/or in past relationships "clams up" and "avoids" confrontation, take some space from your partner and go back to Key # 1.
Likewise, if you are used to being "confrontational" which is to say, defensive, aggressive, or accusatory when you bring up boundaries or nuisances, because you are trying hard to have a "voice" go back to Key # 1 & Key #3 (Are you feeling defensive or aggressive because of a trauma response you have learned, or because your partner is starting to exhibit behaviors which genuinely make you feel like you don't have a voice? If that's the case... refer to Key#4.)
Get this STUCK in your head. Healthy people -you included- can communicate needs, and disappointments in an appropriate, kind and patient tone. AND receive criticism and hear boundaries and respect them and address them. i.e. "Thank you for sharing that with me, I will try and work on that." or "I apologize that my behavior upset you. Help me learn what I can do to prevent that in the future."
🔑 Key #10 Expectations and Evaluation
If for some reason, you have made it past the previous keys/tools and you discover even a few months in, that you are still not compatible and/or your partner is showing signs of disrespect or otherwise is not taking your needs seriously, or isn't communicating with you etc. or you simply realize your long term goals and dreams are not the same, it's time to have the hard conversations and re-evaluate your relationship.
If it is NOT what you want or deserve or is not offering you something BETTER than you can and have offered yourself. (Remember Key#1 of how it's a privilege to date you and your life is already fabulous) then do not settle. You DESERVE good, healthy communication, respect, kindness, support, compatibility etc. You are absolutely within your right to EXPECT that your partner will be these things, and be consistent, be the person you thought they were, when you first vetted them. If they suddenly show you a different side, and it's more than just a singular "having a bad day" ... it's time to move on.
Note: Allow yourself time to grieve, it's definitely painful. But don't be too discouraged, because again, you get to go back to your fulfilling and satisfying life with yourself. Nothing was "wasted" because you learned more about yourself, you can add things to your standards list for next time, and use your single time, to check things off your personal bucket list, (i.e. physical health, travel, major purchases etc,) that don't require input from anyone else.
The Finale of my story
Remember I was scared to death of commitment to anyone! Lol he DEFINITELY felt it way sooner than me. In fact he told me he loved me after 3 weeks and I broke up with him bc of it! Haha I thought this guys NUTS. Lol 😂 and he continued to pursue me, sweetly, not weirdly- haha and again 3 months later he told me he wanted to marry me- I dumped him. And he was so kind and gentle and just telling me how he wanted a future with me and yada yada... I was so skeptical. But he gently pursued me.
Nothing creepy, no "love bombing" just an occasional, text of "Hey I'm in town, do you want to do dinner this week?" with NO expectations beyond anything other than appreciating what time and attention I gave him, no matter how small. I finally relented when I realized he had ZERO 🚩 red flags.
But we didn’t really “talk marriage” until a month after that!! Lol 😂 like right before Christmas. (Our very first date was August 10th)
It was over Christmas (he went to Illinois to be with his fam again) that HE decided... “I don’t want to spend another Christmas without her.” And I didn’t know it but he bought a ring that week. He came back and we went to California to meet MY family over New Years and he introduced himself to them as my fiancé. I was like WAIT. We haven’t really discussed this... haha I was mortified actually. But he was asking for their approval. He spoke to them candidly about his intentions. And of course got their blessing. So then it was a matter of the “right moment”. He finally proposed on Jan. 5th.
It was NOT until after we were already engaged, that we started talking about moving in together. I had to talk to my kids about that too... I wanted them to have a voice and feel safe. So he didn’t actually move in until March. If he had NOT been the man I hoped (and how do you really know after only a couple months) it would have been absolutely DISASTROUS for him to move in. We got married that following August 10th. 1 year from our first date.
But that’s kind of the cliffs notes. Lol 😂 it was pretty quick... I didn’t really know he was the one, until months after he knew I was the one.
Bottom line however, is I took my own advice. I found the kindest, most stable (in every way) most generous, most helpful, most loving, most cheerful, most honest, most fun man there could possibly be, for me. We are compatible in so many ways. Married 5 years now, and still in love and twitterpated and excited about our future.
P.S. he is 100% aware of all these rules, keys and tools. He has always 100% supported them, and never feared them and never ever once, had any qualms about answering any questions or respecting any question or any boundary I had.
I will say, a quick funny story, is that our first date was dinner on a Thursday and he wanted to see me again, so Saturday we went to the the renaissance faire in the morning/early afternoon and he asked me to meet some of his friends there! (bonus) then there was a short gap in the afternoon after we left the faire (maybe 2 hours where we weren't together) We were at the twitterpated phase, where we just wanted to be together, so far I saw no red flags and he had great answers to all my questions. So, I invited him to my H.S. Reunion as my plus 1 that very night. Because why not? He said yes!
So after the reunion he was getting ready to head home, and he stated "I know it was all in the same day, but does that count as 2 dates? So we have had 3 dates now. Does this mean I can get your phone number?"
I laughed but made him wait until the next day anyway.
The end.
TOP PIC: Wedding day 8/10- 1 year to the day of our first date. ❤️
BOTTOM PIC: Our 2nd date -Renaissance Faire. 😊
