Not what you'd expect...*Trigger warning*

Original entry: 10/2013

To the person who raped me. 

I am not sure how to describe exactly what it means to me, what you did to me, how you treated me, how I felt.

I am not sure how to put into words..exactly what that did to me. 

It broke me. 

I could never feel good about myself. 

I could never enjoy sex. 

I have trouble even to this day.

 I could never feel pure or virginal. 

Those tender experiences, they were stolen from me. 

I could not trust anyone.

 I could not feel safe. 

I felt only fear.

 For so long. So. much. fear. 

So much rejection. 

So dirty and used. 

I felt so powerless. 

I felt so trapped. 

I felt worthless. 

I felt like you had all the control even YEARS after I last saw you. 

PTSD: The flashbacks, the nausea, the butterflies, the shaking, the tears...so many tears. It was trauma. Then anger, hatred really...rage. 

And to this day, I am broken in some ways. 

It affected my parenting and how vigilant I was with my daughters, it affected my marriage and relationship with my husband. 

I became self-destructive. 

I don't know how I let you have so much power over me. 

And for so so so so long. You controlled me. Absolutely. 

And it is so strange that even to this day. I am 40 years old and yesterday, in sharing my story, I became fearful of what you might do if you ever found out I told anyone. 

But the last & most important thing I want to say to you is this: 

Listen carefully..
I forgive you. 

I will no longer let you have any power over me. 

I am free. 

I forgive you and I pray for you and I bless you. 

I bless you. 

I pray that Jesus brings you into a true saving knowledge of himself. 

I pray that God himself would draw close to you & reach into your life and increase your faith, increase your joy, increase your health and prosper you financially. I bless you.

I no longer wish you harm. 
I. Release. You.

I am FREE from bondage to you. 

I have no more anger. 

No more fear.

No more self pity or brokenness. 

Because, Jesus. 

I finally understand the truth about our identity. We are each of us fearfully & wonderfully made, loved by an all loving creator. Each of us is forgiven beyond measure. 

Lastly, 
Jesus loves you. That is all.