Not what you'd expect...*Trigger warning*

Original entry: 10/2013

To the person who raped me. 

I am not sure how to describe exactly what it means to me, what you did to me, how you treated me, how I felt.

I am not sure how to put into words..exactly what that did to me. 

It broke me. 

I could never feel good about myself. 

I could never enjoy sex. 

I have trouble even to this day.

 I could never feel pure or virginal. 

Those tender experiences, they were stolen from me. 

I could not trust anyone.

 I could not feel safe. 

I felt only fear.

 For so long. So. much. fear. 

So much rejection. 

So dirty and used. 

I felt so powerless. 

I felt so trapped. 

I felt worthless. 

I felt like you had all the control even YEARS after I last saw you. 

PTSD: The flashbacks, the nausea, the butterflies, the shaking, the tears...so many tears. It was trauma. Then anger, hatred really...rage. 

And to this day, I am broken in some ways. 

It affected my parenting and how vigilant I was with my daughters, it affected my marriage and relationship with my husband. 

I became self-destructive. 

I don't know how I let you have so much power over me. 

And for so so so so long. You controlled me. Absolutely. 

And it is so strange that even to this day. I am 40 years old and yesterday, in sharing my story, I became fearful of what you might do if you ever found out I told anyone. 

But the last & most important thing I want to say to you is this: 

Listen carefully..
I forgive you. 

I will no longer let you have any power over me. 

I am free. 

I forgive you and I pray for you and I bless you. 

I bless you. 

I pray that Jesus brings you into a true saving knowledge of himself. 

I pray that God himself would draw close to you & reach into your life and increase your faith, increase your joy, increase your health and prosper you financially. I bless you.

I no longer wish you harm. 
I. Release. You.

I am FREE from bondage to you. 

I have no more anger. 

No more fear.

No more self pity or brokenness. 

Because, Jesus. 

I finally understand the truth about our identity. We are each of us fearfully & wonderfully made, loved by an all loving creator. Each of us is forgiven beyond measure. 

Lastly, 
Jesus loves you. That is all. 

Too Much Grace?

Such a thing as too much Grace...

Okay let me qualify this statement. There actually isn't such a thing as "too much" Grace when it comes from Jesus. He gives it, abundantly, immeasurably and infinitely. However, we humans tend to take that for Granted. And while there is no finite amount of Grace God gives, That is not His ONLY character.  Among others, like Love and Comforter, Provider etc...
He is also Jealous. (Exodus 34:14 & Deut. 6:15)
He is JUST. ( 2 Thess. 1:6, Psalm 25:8-14)
and He is Holy.( 1 Peter 1:16)

And it's not like we break God down into some pie chart wherein we see that 68 percent of Him is Grace and Mercy and 20 percent is Holy and twelve percent is Just. Because He is all powerful, He is 100% all of those things, 100 percent of the time. And there will come a day in each of our lives, because He is Just and Holy, when He will choose to let us have our way and live our own lives. (Lives that do not honor Him, or reflect Him. lives that are full of self and do not walk with the Lord!) He will allow us to be happy in our sin, free of earthly consequences deceptively believing THAT is His Grace and Mercy. ( we deceive ourselves, HE has not deceived us). When actually, that is His way of removing His hand of blessing and power from our lives. The end result of which WILL inevitably be loneliness and despair, brokenness and humility, wherein we will in turn FINALLY submit and surrender our lives to Him. Now I ask you 2 things: 

Wouldn't it be better to live a tougher, less "easy" life but be right with God, seeing Him show up in powerful ways that build your faith and know that His love, protection, Grace, Mercy and Power are covering you, than to learn to live it the harder way? I have often said, "a wise person learns from their mistakes and never repeats them, a WISER person learns from the mistakes of others and never makes them!" 

Being obedient to scripture and living according to it, means to be under Gods provision and Grace but it does not mean this world will be easy. However, it will lead to a  JOY filled life with abundant peace. It means having the power and strength to persevere when troubles come. 

So many young Christians today, live by "Grace" and live as they please. Thinking they won't go to hell. But truthfully, living for yourself....means living hell on earth, and it leads to ruin and misery. 

 You also run the risk of Jesus saying..."depart from me, I never knew you." And ACTUALLY going to hell. Jesus was very very clear that KNOWING Him...means following Him, living as He did and being Holy Just as He is Holy. Being "one" with Christ. This is not "legalism" ....its not by behavior that we are saved! But behavior is the EVIDENCE of a life that is saved. Its putting ALL of Gods character into its proper place. And REPRESENTING Him well. 

Do not call yourself a "Christian" and not actually follow Christ. Do not look and act like the world, when you have been set apart. Do not behave badly because you have a golden ticket to Heaven, (that makes JESUS look bad!) Don't make His death, and torture and suffering ....all for nothing. If we are  "saved" even though we can do whatever we want...why did He need to die in the first place? 

REPENT ....Commit and Live for Jesus because He died for you. 

Word to the Wives.

Word to the Wives: I'm about to get REAL. Can you handle it? 

Proverbs 14:1 

"The  wise woman builds her house,

but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down." 

As someone who was a very very foolish wife, I am going to share with you a few of the mistakes I made throughout the course of my 20 year marriage.  Unfortunately for me, it is too late. And I am not 100% responsible for that. But I am seeing with clearer eyes now, making necessary changes in ME to make my next relationship all that God wants it to be. 

But the REASON I am sharing this, is because I am literally watching several of YOU my friends, right now....make these same mistakes, and I am so afraid you will tear your house/husband down to an irrevocable destination. Just as I did. Several of you.

And sisters I cannot begin to describe the pain, that comes from the death of a marriage. Especially when you realize too late you had a hand in its terminal sickness...it's worse than physical death of a loved one. Gut wrenching, stomach turning, body aching, heart crushing pain. I am trying to keep you, as best I know how, from this suffering. Because I love you. So please take a moment and read my cautionary tale. 

1.) I made my husband obsolete. I made unilateral decisions for our family without discussing it with him. I am not talking huge choices here like where will we live, or where shall we send the kids to school...I am talking seemingly mundane things, like what's for dinner and whether to spend a little extra on organic foods instead of processed. I may have thought it was a good thing to be responsible for mealtimes, and it is. But repeatedly not getting my husbands input or at least asking occasionally...what would you like for dinner? (Dinner is just an example! this logic Works in a variety of similar and seemingly mundane tasks) finally shut him down. He stopped giving me input when I NEEDed him to, on other issues that were important to me. 

             In his own words...I ran the household SO efficiently that not only did he feel obsolete, he felt cast aside and eventually unimportant and unwanted in ALL areas. Finances, yardwork, child-rearing etc...He needed to FEEL like he was a provider and leader and partner.  But I had in some ways castrated him. even though MY INTENT was to HELP and to be PRUDENT. 

2.) I let Life get  in the way. I paid more attention to my friends concerns/stories/drama/issues than I did his. Even though we daily carved out time together to swap stories and discuss upcoming family appointments etc... The literal many hours per day, communicating with my friends & coworkers did not begin to compare to the perhaps 30 mins or an hour I gave to  my husband. Even though we went on dates, nearly every week...we did not communicate deeply regularly (whilst stuffing our faces and/or watching a movie/concert/game etc...)

               In his own words, it had been months since I listened...really listened without my attention divided or directed elsewhere (which we call "multi-tasking") to his work stories, accomplishments, dreams and goals, for more than an OBLIGATORY 15 or 20 mins ...Thus I didn't even NOTICE when he completely stopped even trying to tell me. He stopped talking to me and I didn't even notice! Likewise, I hadn't laughed at his jokes, or asked him personal questions either. 

3.) I spent too much money. Now this is hard for me to confess because "too much" is relative. I am a VERY frugal person, who is NOT materialistic at all. And rarely spent money on myself or my home! And every item I paid for was for some good reason, in fact a very good reason...this did not matter. When there are MANY things that need to be paid for, and the MAJORITY (not all) of the income AND the responsibility for providing the funds for said items, falls to him, he is going to worry. It is a burden and a heavy weight on his shoulders that wives cannot generally comprehend. And no matter how little this or that cost, no matter how important it is, it can cause stress on a man that he will later resent you for. I finally gave my husband control of 100% of our money. Even took me off the bank account completely. I had to get an allowance that HE deemed appropriate and I had to TRUST that he would take care of all the bills. Ladies.... I am telling you 2 things...If there is something you can do to make your husbands life less stressful...and make him more pleased with you, why would you NOT do that?! The allowance he deemed fair, was not...in my opinion fair or even close to being enough. But I Learned to make it work and if it meant HE felt better, and it eased his burden, I was happy to do it. First I had to CHECK MY MOTIVE for wanting that control. As I argued with him and myself about this, I soon realized : No scenario ever came to mind, no fear, and no problem, that God could not counter with a simple "Trust ME I am your provider." Ultimately  It's just not worth your marriage and the heartache of a broken marriage to not relinquish that control. 

4.) I did not let him lead ...AND make mistakes doing it. I was so afraid that he would make bad choices and somehow screw up the children or our home, or finances or whatever...that I literally questioned everything he did. And then when he DID make mistakes, A.) I didn't let him forget or B.) said "I told you so" or "I knew it". This was so disrespectful on so many levels....now hear me on this. These mistakes were not huge and I didn't literally think he would screw anything up. But even the slightest hesitation in trusting his choices or judgement, or  what I thought was "gentle correction" ...was questioning him and making him feel disrespected.  It was actually undermining his own confidence and his GOD GIVEN identity as the LEADER. 

looking back and putting it as succinctly as I have here, of course it seems obvious. But I am telling you....these were NOT behaviors that came up everyday, or even every week! It was subtle, gradual and small. But it was enough that over the course of time...my husband was being TORN DOWN and in his own words....completely weary and worn out. All of these behaviors independently or cumulatively cause STRIFE. And strife in a home is horrendous to overcome. Strife in a MARRIAGE is even worse. Over time my husband became distant, resentful, he no longer trusted me or counted on me. He no longer looked to me for affirmation or attention.

Ladies LISTEN to me!! If your husband says "I am weary or worn out because of...." And fill in the blank with ANY of the scenarios above... Take heed. Do not be proud. Take him seriously. If there is anything that is within your power or ability to change...CHANGE it. Before it's too late.  Be your husbands "helper" his biggest fan, his cheerleader, his safe place so that he can have full confidence in you. Recognize that by doing so, you are actually fulfilling the very purpose God gave you as his wife and the Lord Himself will honor you. 

These 4 things are a mere sample of mistakes I made and unfortunately even though I made every effort to correct them and I asked for forgiveness, it did not save my marriage. 

And I apologize if it seems like I am being harsh, but the truth is...a year ago, if I were to listen to some of your complaints about your husband I would have been on your side. But now...now that my marriage is over ...in part by my own hands... It's not so black and white. 

He was broken and eventually turned to other things to fill his needs. He chose to abdicate his leader role and not fight for us. And while I know I am NOT responsible for his subsequent choices. That does NOT absolve me of the responsibility of my own. And I will forever regret not doing what I could have when I had the chance. But I can guarantee I won't make the same mistakes again. 

You are now responsible for what you know. What will you do? 

Thanks for reading. 

Love Mia 

Bride to be...

Take a moment and imagine with me,  a bride-to-be. She's spent hours and hours and hours of time and hundreds if not thousands of dollars on the perfect dress, the perfect hair, the makeup, the nails, the shoes etc...as she prepares to walk down the aisle to see her bridegroom for the very first time, as she anticipates that first glance and the smile meant only for her. Her heart races and her adrenaline is pumping...and she can barely focus, its all surreal and she is barely able to take in every detail that surrounds her ...but she is absolutely ...STUNNINGLY beautiful. And she is happier in that moment than she can recall. Her soon to be husband's breath is taken away at the sight of his beautiful bride. A tear forms in his eye...they lock eyes and her energy and heart rate are elevated. She cannot wait to take this man...

Sometimes I feel like Jesus has spent everything He has and has fully invested himself...He stands waiting with anticipation of His "first look"...and instead of a beautiful blushing bride, eagerly and gracefully coming toward Him, he sees me. A dirty, unkempt, unconcerned, unprepared, underdressed, and worse...indifferent, aloof, selfish and thoughtless woman who spent zero time, money or thought on receiving Him or giving myself to Him. 

I am so thankful that in spite of what He'd see...He WOULD still want me and Love me. He has already invested everything and is not going to stand me up! 

But I can't help wondering: 

What would Jesus really  see as my bridegroom if He were to come tomorrow?

What can I do to prepare myself as a bride-to-be ought to? 

Why is it so easy to forget that He is REAL and He IS returning? 

Why is it, I/We would or have invested more money, more time, more energy, more thought....preparing and planning for an earthly wedding, so concerned with "that first look" of the one we are betrothed to, than we do for our Spiritual and Heavenly bridegroom? 

Fill in the Gap

Thankful for women, past and present, previous and new... who are willing to love on & speak into the lives of my daughters. Who are willing to hug them, pray with them, listen and especially encourage them!! It definitely takes a village and when I am insufficient, the Lord Graciously provides surrogates to fill in the gaps!

It's especially true and necessary I am discovering when I am going through Crisis. No matter how much my heart longs to be the one they turn to, no matter how much I love them, or want to be their rock. We can't always do that. And I am thankful, that when I am in need of help, there are people there ready to stand by my kids and carry them until I can do it!

Misfit

The last 3 days I have felt like a misfit, a screw-up, a horrible person, inadequate, unprepared, lost, unsure of myself and broken. I just read that, Grace was designed for the likes of these. And throughout the Bible it is precisely these kinds of people with those same issues that God showed up and revealed Himself to and He didn't stop there, He then used them to fulfill His purpose. Wow. I can't wait to see how God uses me!!