Original entry: 10/2013
To the person who raped me.
I am not sure how to describe exactly what it means to me, what you did to me, how you treated me, how I felt.
I am not sure how to put into words..exactly what that did to me.
It broke me.
I could never feel good about myself.
I could never enjoy sex.
I have trouble even to this day.
I could never feel pure or virginal.
Those tender experiences, they were stolen from me.
I could not trust anyone.
I could not feel safe.
I felt only fear.
For so long. So. much. fear.
So much rejection.
So dirty and used.
I felt so powerless.
I felt so trapped.
I felt worthless.
I felt like you had all the control even YEARS after I last saw you.
PTSD: The flashbacks, the nausea, the butterflies, the shaking, the tears...so many tears. It was trauma. Then anger, hatred really...rage.
And to this day, I am broken in some ways.
It affected my parenting and how vigilant I was with my daughters, it affected my marriage and relationship with my husband.
I became self-destructive.
I don't know how I let you have so much power over me.
And for so so so so long. You controlled me. Absolutely.
And it is so strange that even to this day. I am 40 years old and yesterday, in sharing my story, I became fearful of what you might do if you ever found out I told anyone.
But the last & most important thing I want to say to you is this:
Listen carefully..
I forgive you.
I forgive you.
I will no longer let you have any power over me.
I am free.
I forgive you and I pray for you and I bless you.
I bless you.
I pray that Jesus brings you into a true saving knowledge of himself.
I pray that God himself would draw close to you & reach into your life and increase your faith, increase your joy, increase your health and prosper you financially. I bless you.
I no longer wish you harm.
I. Release. You.
I am FREE from bondage to you.
I no longer wish you harm.
I. Release. You.
I am FREE from bondage to you.
I have no more anger.
No more fear.
No more self pity or brokenness.
Because, Jesus.
I finally understand the truth about our identity. We are each of us fearfully & wonderfully made, loved by an all loving creator. Each of us is forgiven beyond measure.
Lastly,
Jesus loves you. That is all.
Lastly,
Jesus loves you. That is all.