Proverbs 14:1
"The wise woman builds her house,
but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down."
As someone who was a very very foolish wife, I am going to share with you a few of the mistakes I made throughout the course of my 20 year marriage. Unfortunately for me, it is too late. And I am not 100% responsible for that. But I am seeing with clearer eyes now, making necessary changes in ME to make my next relationship all that God wants it to be.
But the REASON I am sharing this, is because I am literally watching several of YOU my friends, right now....make these same mistakes, and I am so afraid you will tear your house/husband down to an irrevocable destination. Just as I did. Several of you.
And sisters I cannot begin to describe the pain, that comes from the death of a marriage. Especially when you realize too late you had a hand in its terminal sickness...it's worse than physical death of a loved one. Gut wrenching, stomach turning, body aching, heart crushing pain. I am trying to keep you, as best I know how, from this suffering. Because I love you. So please take a moment and read my cautionary tale.
1.) I made my husband obsolete. I made unilateral decisions for our family without discussing it with him. I am not talking huge choices here like where will we live, or where shall we send the kids to school...I am talking seemingly mundane things, like what's for dinner and whether to spend a little extra on organic foods instead of processed. I may have thought it was a good thing to be responsible for mealtimes, and it is. But repeatedly not getting my husbands input or at least asking occasionally...what would you like for dinner? (Dinner is just an example! this logic Works in a variety of similar and seemingly mundane tasks) finally shut him down. He stopped giving me input when I NEEDed him to, on other issues that were important to me.
In his own words...I ran the household SO efficiently that not only did he feel obsolete, he felt cast aside and eventually unimportant and unwanted in ALL areas. Finances, yardwork, child-rearing etc...He needed to FEEL like he was a provider and leader and partner. But I had in some ways castrated him. even though MY INTENT was to HELP and to be PRUDENT.
2.) I let Life get in the way. I paid more attention to my friends concerns/stories/drama/issues than I did his. Even though we daily carved out time together to swap stories and discuss upcoming family appointments etc... The literal many hours per day, communicating with my friends & coworkers did not begin to compare to the perhaps 30 mins or an hour I gave to my husband. Even though we went on dates, nearly every week...we did not communicate deeply regularly (whilst stuffing our faces and/or watching a movie/concert/game etc...)
In his own words, it had been months since I listened...really listened without my attention divided or directed elsewhere (which we call "multi-tasking") to his work stories, accomplishments, dreams and goals, for more than an OBLIGATORY 15 or 20 mins ...Thus I didn't even NOTICE when he completely stopped even trying to tell me. He stopped talking to me and I didn't even notice! Likewise, I hadn't laughed at his jokes, or asked him personal questions either.
3.) I spent too much money. Now this is hard for me to confess because "too much" is relative. I am a VERY frugal person, who is NOT materialistic at all. And rarely spent money on myself or my home! And every item I paid for was for some good reason, in fact a very good reason...this did not matter. When there are MANY things that need to be paid for, and the MAJORITY (not all) of the income AND the responsibility for providing the funds for said items, falls to him, he is going to worry. It is a burden and a heavy weight on his shoulders that wives cannot generally comprehend. And no matter how little this or that cost, no matter how important it is, it can cause stress on a man that he will later resent you for. I finally gave my husband control of 100% of our money. Even took me off the bank account completely. I had to get an allowance that HE deemed appropriate and I had to TRUST that he would take care of all the bills. Ladies.... I am telling you 2 things...If there is something you can do to make your husbands life less stressful...and make him more pleased with you, why would you NOT do that?! The allowance he deemed fair, was not...in my opinion fair or even close to being enough. But I Learned to make it work and if it meant HE felt better, and it eased his burden, I was happy to do it. First I had to CHECK MY MOTIVE for wanting that control. As I argued with him and myself about this, I soon realized : No scenario ever came to mind, no fear, and no problem, that God could not counter with a simple "Trust ME I am your provider." Ultimately It's just not worth your marriage and the heartache of a broken marriage to not relinquish that control.
4.) I did not let him lead ...AND make mistakes doing it. I was so afraid that he would make bad choices and somehow screw up the children or our home, or finances or whatever...that I literally questioned everything he did. And then when he DID make mistakes, A.) I didn't let him forget or B.) said "I told you so" or "I knew it". This was so disrespectful on so many levels....now hear me on this. These mistakes were not huge and I didn't literally think he would screw anything up. But even the slightest hesitation in trusting his choices or judgement, or what I thought was "gentle correction" ...was questioning him and making him feel disrespected. It was actually undermining his own confidence and his GOD GIVEN identity as the LEADER.
looking back and putting it as succinctly as I have here, of course it seems obvious. But I am telling you....these were NOT behaviors that came up everyday, or even every week! It was subtle, gradual and small. But it was enough that over the course of time...my husband was being TORN DOWN and in his own words....completely weary and worn out. All of these behaviors independently or cumulatively cause STRIFE. And strife in a home is horrendous to overcome. Strife in a MARRIAGE is even worse. Over time my husband became distant, resentful, he no longer trusted me or counted on me. He no longer looked to me for affirmation or attention.
Ladies LISTEN to me!! If your husband says "I am weary or worn out because of...." And fill in the blank with ANY of the scenarios above... Take heed. Do not be proud. Take him seriously. If there is anything that is within your power or ability to change...CHANGE it. Before it's too late. Be your husbands "helper" his biggest fan, his cheerleader, his safe place so that he can have full confidence in you. Recognize that by doing so, you are actually fulfilling the very purpose God gave you as his wife and the Lord Himself will honor you.
These 4 things are a mere sample of mistakes I made and unfortunately even though I made every effort to correct them and I asked for forgiveness, it did not save my marriage.
And I apologize if it seems like I am being harsh, but the truth is...a year ago, if I were to listen to some of your complaints about your husband I would have been on your side. But now...now that my marriage is over ...in part by my own hands... It's not so black and white.
He was broken and eventually turned to other things to fill his needs. He chose to abdicate his leader role and not fight for us. And while I know I am NOT responsible for his subsequent choices. That does NOT absolve me of the responsibility of my own. And I will forever regret not doing what I could have when I had the chance. But I can guarantee I won't make the same mistakes again.
You are now responsible for what you know. What will you do?
Thanks for reading.
Love Mia
